


the weekend of *all* the fines

by hey_you_with_the_face



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drinking - Mention, Falconer Jack, Feelings, Implied Sexual Content, Jack is out, Marriage, Multi, Swearing, Vacation, and everything is chill, casino - Freeform, so much swearing, vacation shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hey_you_with_the_face/pseuds/hey_you_with_the_face
Summary: A wild weekend for the gang leads to a confusing morning wherein they try to put together the puzzle pieces of just what the fuck they got up to last night...





	1. Bitty & Jack

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, this happened....
> 
> This is my first ever Check Please fic and this is all thanks to [ an ask I sent to jhoom ](http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com/post/172082905887/made-up-fic-title-for-zimmbits-if-youre-still) that came back to bite me in the ass. Honestly though, I don't mind because I managed to knock out over 5k of this in one day which I haven't been able to do in a looong time. 
> 
> To any Check Please fans, I hope I didn't screw up on writing anybody, I've read a lot of fic but I know that doesn't necessarily translate into writing it. Also, each couple gets their own chapter so if there's a pairing you don't particularly care for, you can reasonably skip it and still understand the big round up at the end.  
> To any of my usual readers, I'm not abandoning SPN or anything, I'm just adding more ships to my armada. :) (Though, seriously, if you haven't read the comic yet, you are totally missing out. Ngozi is a freaking genius so you should go read it, like now.)
> 
> Also, this is unbeta'd except for me, apologies in advance for any errors.

Bitty had had hangovers before, one wasn’t on the Samwell hockey team and didn’t live in the Haus without enduring at least one or two (or twelve) bouts of alcohol induced misery. Before he even opened his eyes he knew this one was going to be rough.

This was a Hangover, capital “H” and all.

“Oh sweet lord,” he groaned, hands darting up to cover the side of his face that wasn’t pressed against the warm lump next to him. “What in the…?” 

Groaning as quietly as possible out of respect for his headache, Bitty tried to bury his head into what he thought was a pillow only to realize after a moment that it as a muscled torso. Knowing he had to investigate since, while he was almost certain who he was currently huddled up with, Bitty didn’t want to run the risk of spooning a naked Shitty. Not that he didn’t like Shitty, it’s just he didn’t want to risk that sort of chirping material if photos were taken.

He carefully cracked an eye open, baring it to the merciless light of the sun streaming into the room, and relaxed ever so slightly at the blurry sight of a very familiar chest and jaw line. Jack didn’t even stir as Bitty sat up, clutching his head delicately, in order to assess the situation. He wondered what time it must be; it was odd for Jack to still be sleeping at this point.

The first thing he noticed that he was naked and a quick peek under blanket draped over Jack’s hips showed that he wasn’t alone. Expanding on this information, Bitty took a mental check and noted that there were a few other...tender areas...on his person so it was safe to assume that he and Jack had had a pleasant evening. It was just a damn shame his fuzzy brain couldn’t quite remember anything but oh well, Jack would fill in the gaps; he never drank to excess.

And speaking of Jack…

“Jack, sweetie,” Bitty murmured, reaching out to shake Jack by the shoulder. Jack didn’t even budge an inch, another odd thing considering he tended to be a light sleeper. Bit shook him a bit harder and spoke a bit louder. “Wake up.”

It took a bit of doing and not a small amount of nudging and prodding but soon Jack began to stir. First he reached blindly out to grasp at the empty space by his side Bitty had recently vacated then, upon only finding empty air, pulled Bitty’s pillow to his chest. Bitty couldn’t help but chuckle softly at the content little smile on Jack’s face even if his head cursed him for a fool for it. It was too damn adorable and Bitty wished he had his phone to take a picture of it but, judging by the empty night stands, it seemed his phone must still be in his pants’ pocket.

“Come on, sweetpea. Time to get up.”

To Bitty’s surprise, a pitiful groan issued forth from Jack as he began to truly wake up; he blearily blinked his eyes open only for them to slam back shut immediately. “Tabarnak,” Jack whined quietly. He released his grip on Bitty’s pillow and clutched at his head as he sat up gingerly, blinking slowly at Bitty. “W-what the…? Bits? Why do I feel like I was run over by an entire hockey team?”

“I was kinda hoping you could tell me,” Bitty said with a grimace when Jack’s move to sit up jostled the bed. He reached out and gently ran his hand through Jack’s hair; Bitty smiled ruefully at the rather large hickey decorating the curve of Jack’s neck. That was definitely a fine-worthy offense that the guys definitely wouldn’t let them live down. “But I guess you must’ve joined in on whatever fun we had last night.”

“I don’t remember much after we got to the casino bar with the guys,” Jack admitted which was more than Bitty could say he remembered. He only remember going out to eat at one of the local bars. Ransom and Holster had put themselves in charge of ordering drinks for the table and after about the fifth round, Bitty’s memory went fuzzy. He vaguely remembers a little bit of them relocating to the casino and then Shitty issuing some sort of ridiculous challenge but just barely and after that...

Not a thing.

Jack’s eyes scrunched shut in either pain or an attempt to block out the sunlight. This prompted Bitty to finally drag himself out of the bed in order to close the damn blinds. Once the evil sun had been dealt with, Jack opened his eyes fully and looked around the room. “Wait, where are the guys?”

It wasn’t until that point that Bitty realized they were completely alone. Though considering what the two of them had obviously gotten up to last night, this wasn’t surprising information but it was confusing considering that they’d booked an entire suite to accommodate everyone. Shitty, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster should be around somewhere.

“I have no idea,” Bitty answered. He walked carefully around the room, making sure not to jostle his aching head too much and noting the empty bed; Shitty and Lardo had won the room’s second bed after an intense battle with Ransom and Holster but it didn’t even look touched. He walked out into the living area of the suite only to find it empty as well except for a trail of his and Jack’s clothes that lead to the bedroom. 

He found his own pants and scrounged through them until he found his phone. It turned out he had a ton of notifications and about one percent of battery left. Last night must’ve been quite the time. Bitty turned to head back to the bedroom to Jack (and his phone charger) when in the living room area caught his eye.

Oh wait, what was that?

Bitty padded over to the large coffee table and picked up a large bowl reminiscent of the bowls containing decorative fruit from the hotel lobby filled with money. There was a crudely written moniker of “Vacay Sin Bin” on the side. Beside the bowl was a notepad filled with a familiar combination of Ransom and Holster’s handwriting.

The top of it read “The Almighty Vacay Fine List.”

_Oh, lord. How much money are we in the hole now?_ Bitty thought to himself, sighing with resignation as he turned to take the list back with him. He knew how handsy he tended to get when he was drunk and if Jack had been drunk too…

Dex would be rolling in dryers at this point.

“Jack, honey, I don’t see the guys anywhere but I did find this list. I’ll bet our wallets are or will be a bit lighter than they were yesterday and it doesn’t have anything to do with the casino,” Bitty said absentmindedly as he paged through the notebook, observing that there was writing on a full five pages but he was brought up short when he ran into Jack. He was just about to scold Jack for blocking the door (Bitty’s headache made him a bit short tempered, he’d apologize later) when he noticed how pale Jack looked. “Sweetie, are you alright? You look like you’re about to be---”

A large hand darted out lighting quick to grab Bitty’s hand, cutting off his concerned babbling. Bitty was about to protest this treatment as well when he noticed light glinting off the hand in Jack’s grasp. And off the hand Jack was holding him with.

Matching gold bands.

“Bits, I think we may have gotten married last night,” Jack said, voice filled with awe as he stared down at their hands.

Too shocked to really process this mind blowing development while battling a hangover, Bitty said the only thought that came to him.

“We are going to owe so much money in fines.”


	2. Ransom & Holster

It would be a lie to say this was the first time Ransom had woken up spooning his best bro. It would be a fib to say it was the first time he’d woken up with his dick pressed into Holster’s ass and it also wasn’t the first time all these things had occurred while he and Holster were buck ass naked.

These facts didn’t make the situation any less confusing.

Suppressing a groan, Ransom pulled his arm from where it was draped over Holster’s chest and out of his bro’s grasp before blindly reaching behind himself for his phone. Only, his phone wasn’t on the table behind him. Shit, had he lost it during whatever booze filled debauchery had lead to his monstrous hangover? Dammit, he’d really started to like that phone.

“Stop movin’ ‘round,” Holster grumbled, reaching back to swat at Ransom’s side. “‘M tryin’ to sleep.”

“Dude, you seen my phone?” Ransom asked, pressing himself closer to Holster in order to peer over his friend’s bulk at the other bedside table. The warm skin of Holster’s back against his chest was only slightly distracting but he was on a mission. 

A headache of this size was almost always preceded by events ‘swawesome, they required some sort of damage control

Holster snorted, wriggling back into Ransom so he was further under the blanket and they were more snugly fitted. “Can’t see anything but the inside of my eyelids, bro. Now could you knock it off, my head is killing me.”

Ransom briefly considered smacking Holster but decided that would be too much effort so he settled for rolling away from him to flop on his back. This unfortunately allowed the sunlight from the doors leading to the balcony to sear into his eyes. His eyelids snapped shut reflexively and cursed under his breath, goddamn did his head hurt. He probably would have joined Holster’s brilliant plan of sleeping off his pounding headache except the soup-like mess that was his brain finally connected what his eyes had and hadn’t seen during his brief glance before the burning rays of daylight forced them shut.

He bolted upright and was dimly aware of Holster cussing him out for jostling the bed as he blurted out. “Dude! Whose fucking room is this?”

Upon further inspection, they found they were not squeezed together on the sofa bed in the living room of the suite the six of them had pooled together to book for the weekend. Somehow they were in a single room with a king sized bed and a fancy ass balcony. Even Holster, tired and grouchy from being startled awake again by Ransom’s yelling, was confused and stood up to walk over to the mysterious balcony doors. It was then that they received yet another surprise.

Ransom’s eyes bulged as he got a good look at Holster’s body. “Holy fuck! What happened to you?!”

“Holy fuck, what happened to me?” Holster shot back, his face just as shocked as Ransom’s (albeit a bit squintier without his glasses) had to be as he turned to look at him. “Holy fuck, what happened to _you_?!”

It looked like they’d both had an interesting night to say the least.

Hickies and halfway faded bite marks covered, in Ransom’s best estimate, roughly fifty percent of their bodies. The other half was smeared with suspicious looking fluids as well and, after a bit of squinting to be certain, it looked as if they each had a hearty amount of….rug burn? No, wait...stubble burn…

Well, shit...apparently _that_ happened last night. 

Again.

Ransom supposed that explained the single room though. He pointedly did not look at Holster for a moment after they both came to this conclusion, not wanting to see his best bro’s reaction to what they’d obviously gotten up to last night. If he didn’t see his face, Ransom could pretend for a second that Holster was happy about what they’d obviously done too before they went back to not talking about it.

The standing protocol was dudes giving dudes a helping hand (among other things) and that was it and Ransom was totally cool with keeping it that way if that’s what Holster wanted. 

And if Ransom wanted a little something beyond that sometimes, that was alright; he just squashed that shit down and ignored it. He could be happy with what he already had. Having Holster in a bro-like capacity with a teeny bit of extra was better than nothing.

It was while Ransom was preparing to don his patented “I’m totally chill with this” look that he saw _it_ and once he saw _it_ , not even the brutal pounding in his head could stop him from practically screeching, “Oh, shit! What the fuck is that?!?”

That referring to the glint of gold on Holster’s left hand as he rubbed tiredly at his stubbled jaw.

Holster squinted at him in concern. “Ransom, are you okay, dude? You look like you just saw the Haus ghosts or some shit.”

Too shocked to speak, Ransom began to wave his hands wildly in Holster’s general direction and make incoherent squawking sounds that he hoped would be translated by their special brand of bro-mmunication. These squawks morphed viciously into gasps of disbelief as he saw a matching twinkle of gold on his own left hand as they blurred in front of him.

“Holy fucking fucking fuck, I think we’re married!!”

It was finally Holster’s turn to shout as a revelation set in; good thing too, Ransom was officially fucking done with being surprised this damn early, not to mention while feeling like he’d gotten run over by a goddamn bus. Holster strode over quickly and put his hand next to Ransom’s and they both stared at the matching gold wedding bands.

The rings looked legit. Ransom supposed it was possible that they weren’t real, that they were just a gag that their alcohol soaked brains didn’t remember but as he processed the rest of the morning’s weirdness, a flash of memory came back to him.

_“My dudes, I say we make this gathering a little more interesting,” Shitty announced loudly, gesturing broadly at where they were all squeezed into on of the back booths of the bar. Lardo rolled her eyes at Shitty’s flailing arms as he sloshed his beer over the table. “In deference to our current locale, I propose a battle of wills and a test of motherfucking guts.”_

_Jack, who Ransom had noticed was actually drinking for once, sighed. “And exactly what would this entail? Something tells me George might not be happy if I end up in jail.”_

_“Never fear my extraordinarily cautious Jack-a-licious, we won’t tarnish your goody two shoes reputation,” Shitty continued. “I’m merely proposing that we play a little drinking game I formulated. I’ve dubbed it ‘I bet you’d never’”_

_Shitty then launched into one of his overly majestic declarations as he outlined the rules of his new game which wasn’t necessary since everyone at the damn table knew where this was going. Ransom only half listened; several of hours of drinking after dinner had him feeling pleasantly buzzed and found his eyes wandering over to where Holster leaned back against the booth. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he should stop staring but he couldn’t help it. Holster was a good looking bastard and at the moment Ransom thought he was totally justified in staring._

_“--so everybody ready to start?” Shitty asked._

_Ransom, eyes still inexplicably stuck to Holster, joined in on the chorus of “yeah’s” and “sure’s”. He wondered if he should have been paying attention to Shitty’s rules but ultimately chose not to worry._

_After that, Ransom can’t really remember much at all._

He didn’t remember what happened after Shitty forced them to play his new game, he didn’t remember how they ended up in this hotel room, and he definitely didn’t remember getting fucking hitched to his best bro.

“I can’t believe we got married,” Ransom breathed, looking down at the rings. His right hand involuntarily twitched, reaching out to touch the ring on Holster’s finger but he stopped himself. Now was not the time for his weird feelings bullshit.

“Fuck, what are we going to do?” Holster asked. He pulled his hands away so he could run them through his hair, tugging on it. Ransom watched anxiously as Holster paced the room, still bare ass naked. “I mean seriously, what the fuck are we going to do? What are the guys going to think? Oh shit, what are our parents going to think--”

Every word of Holster’s panicked rambling hit Ransom right in the little bubble of hope he hadn’t even realized was there. Holster was freaking out but like, in a hardcore bad way. Holster didn’t want this at all. He didn’t know why he’d even though he’d get more; bros with some small benefits was the extent of what he and Holster had and that wasn’t going to change just because they’d gotten wasted and hitched. Still, it had been nice to dream for a few seconds. Ransom pushed away all the unhelpful thoughts and focused on what was important.

Fixing this for Holster.

It should be easy enough. They had obviously been shitfaced when they’d gotten married so it couldn’t be really legal, could it? Ransom supposed they would have to talk to Shitty to be certain but he was sure there was a consent type issue with being blackout drunk during a wedding ceremony. He’d just call up the room he and Holster _should_ be in and tell Shitty they needed him to---

“--my parents are going to be so fucking pissed that we got married at a casino of all places, not to mention they didn’t get to be there for it. They’re going to fucking kill me---”

For the millionth time that day, Ransom’s brain froze and rebooted. 

The fuck did he just hear?

“--I mean, you’ll be safe because they freaking love you but me? I think my mom is going murder me,” Holster continued, not realizing he’d completely turned Ransom’s world on its axis.

“W-wait, does this mean that you’re, you know, cool with this?” Ransom asked. His voice cracked slightly with nerves and his stomach clenched anxiously. He pleaded with the universe to not be an utter dick and what he’d just heard wasn’t some sort of hangover induced hallucination.

Holster stopped pacing and looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion. “Uh, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Okay, now Ransom was really fucking confused.

“Uh,” Ransom said, mimicking Holster’s response as he crossed his arms. “Maybe because it’s not exactly normal for bros to go and get married out of the blue?”

Holster, finally noticing that he was still walking around with his dick swinging in the breeze, rolled his eyes as he swiped a pair of jeans off the floor and tugged them on. “Dude, like we are in any sort of way normal,” he pointed out which, okay, Ransom would give him that one. Their friendship wasn’t exactly average but still. Holster walked over to his side of the bed (because he and Ransom had sides, of course) and grabbed his glasses. “And besides, we’re more than just “bros”, man.”

He looked pointedly at him and suddenly Ransom was hyper aware of all the marks he’d found on himself (and the one’s he couldn’t see.) 

“But---but, you’ve never said…” Ransom started to argue, an extremely cautious bubble of something like hope was creeping up in his chest but he kept it in check. Holster interrupted him by flopping down onto the bed next to him and crossing his arms.

“Well, you never did either,” Holster countered petulantly. 

They sat there in a strange suspenseful silence, just looking at each other, before they broke down laughing. How could they not laugh at how fucking ridiculous this was? Ransom couldn’t believe that they’d both wanted the same damn thing and it took getting completely wasted at a casino for it to happen. It was like some shit out of a fucking rom com. Seriously, who did that?

Apparently he and Holster did but that didn’t make in any less hilarious.

It took a few minutes for them to calm down. Holster chuckled lightly and wiped at the tears in his eyes while Ransom tried to remember how to breathe normally. Eventually they settled into a relaxed quiet and sat there, looking at each other. Ransom felt Holster take his hand and they both smiled like the utter morons they were.

“So, are we cool?” Holster asked. He sounded a bit tentative as if he expected Ransom to freak out on him.

Ransom, feeling better than if he’d single handedly scored a game winning goal at the last second to win a championship, nodded. “The coolest. Now let’s go find some food. I’m fucking starving.”

Holster beamed and nodded. “Hell yeah, let’s go.”

The thought didn’t occur to Ransom until he caught a glimpse of Holster out of the corner of his eye as they rode the elevator down to the hotel buffet; Holster had been babbling animatedly over all the food he was going to eat once they got downstairs. There was a massive fucking hickey on Holster’s neck, just under the corner of his jaw, that Ransom knew for a fact had come from him (that was one of his favorite spots after all) and he sighed heavily.

Fucking shit. They were going to get fined and chirped within an inch of their lives.


	3. Shitty & Lardo

Shitty barely noticed the insane pounding behind his eyes. His vast experience with post kegster consequences made dealing with hangovers a breeze. Sure they still sucked huge donkey balls and made him (briefly) regret his life choices but he was used to it.

What he did notice was that he wasn’t as nude as he usually was.

“Hmm...not too bad,” he hummed thoughtfully as he observed the bright white lace bedecked corset that was encasing his chest. Sure it was a bit tight but not only was he rocking it, the color set of his tan pretty damn well if he said so himself. “Could be worse.”

Putting his new outfit out of his mind, Shitty began recon since one of the first things he always did after waking up after an obviously awesome night was figuring out where in the fuck he’d ended up. He sat up and rubbed at his neck. 

Pink.

Pink was the next thought that occurred to Shitty as he blinked in confusion at his surroundings. Well, pink and lace. Not that there was anything wrong with these two things, it’s just he was curious as to why he was in a room complete covered in it. This definitely wasn’t the suite he’d been expecting to wake up in this morning. His confusion over his currently location faded instantly however when he noticed something on his left hand.

“Holy fucking shit-fuck,” he breathed, looking down at the gold band on his hand. Puzzle pieces began to slam in to place so goddamn fast his hangover felt it. His head whirled around searching until his gaze fell on the small body next to him and he froze.

For the first time since he’d started his passionate love affair with alcohol, Shitty felt like he was about to blow chunks and it had nothing to do with the massive amount of booze he’d have had to have ingested to get blackout drunk.

Lardo was curled up in the bed next to him sporting, in Shitty’s opinion, a sharp tuxedo inspired vest, a loosened tie, and not much else but it was the ring on Lards’ left hand that made him feel absolutely sick to his stomach. Oh, fuck. What had he done?

It was obvious that he and Lardo had gotten married, no doubt about that, but it wasn’t the idea of being with Lardo that made him feel nauseous. No, what made Shitty feel like hurling was the fact that Shitty couldn’t remember how they’d gotten to this point in addition to the well known fact that Lardo didn’t want to get married. 

Like ever.

The non-traditional aspects of their relationship were well established and one of those quirks had been set forth early on. Once they’d finally admitted to themselves that they were indeed in a relationship decrees had been made. There wouldn’t be any sort of traditional labels, bullshit gender roles, or heteronormative fuckery and definitely no marriage. Lardo had been clear that wasn’t something she wanted in the slightest. She didn’t care if other people wanted it but she knew it wasn’t for her.

Shitty completely understood and swore that he was cool with it. This was true though privately he could admit a teeny tiny bit of him would have been proud to get married to Lardo but it wasn’t something that Shitty _needed_. Every once and awhile he dreamt about it but that was it. 

He couldn’t help he was a bit of a romantic after all.

So bottom line was, they’d both agreed to no marriage shenanigans of any kind. And yet now they were in what had to be one of the casino’s honeymoon suites, sporting matching gold bands. He looked down at his corset grimly. At least they had bucked tradition in some small sense but that didn’t negate the fact that he was so fucking screwed.

“Dude, you look like you’re about have a heart attack,” Lardo said, her voice muffled by the pillow she was still laying on. Shitty’s gaze shot down to see one tired eye looking up at him and his heart began to pound like crazy.

Any measure of cool he possessed immediately left the goddamn building as Shitty frantically thought of a way to fix the current clusterfuck he was in. The only solution his brain could latch on however was throwing himself at Lardo’s mercy and hoping for the best.

“Lards, I am so fucking sorry, man. I know I fucked up and I swear, I’m going to fix this,” Shitty began, not waiting for Lardo to remember or realize what had happened. “I mean, I fucking know how you feel about this shit and I go and fucking pressure you into something and while you were drunk too. Oh fuck! I’m like one of those creepy ass shit-stains who roofies people except with marriage instead of sex.” 

He tugged at his hair anxiously as this sickening thought occurred to him. God, he couldn’t even look Lardo in the eye now. He didn’t even deserve to sit next to her. Shitty stood abruptly and began pacing. “Okay, so I know for a fact I can get us an annulment. It’ll take a bit of time but don’t worry I will get that shit done as soon as I can. And I can totally get all my shit from your apartment as soon as possible, hell you can leave it out on the front steps if you want. I wouldn’t fucking mind, it’s more than I deserve. I wouldn’t be offended if you set it on fire or something---”

“SHITTY!! Would you shut the fuck up for a sec?”

Startled out of his well deserved vortex of self loathing, Shitty blinked rapidly and turned to see Lardo sitting upright, rubbing at her eyes tiredly. She looked annoyed but not as ultimately pissed as Shitty would have suspected but then one could never tell what Lards was thinking; she could be a goddamn enigma and that’s one of the things Shitty loved about her.

He sure was gonna miss getting to see that.

“Okay, now that you’ve shut your damn trap, will you please listen to me?” Lardo said, glaring at him. Shitty nodded, eager to keep from making the fucking shit storm he’d created any worse. “Good, now if you could keep your head out of your ass for two seconds maybe I can explain.”

She made him sit down on the bed despite his protests. “So, first off, you didn’t force me into anything, Shitty. You really think you could get me to do anything I didn’t want to do?”

“Well, no but we were shitfaced, that’s still taking advantage…” 

“That’s dangerously close to a heteronormative assumption, Shits,” Lardo shot back without any heat. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a challenging eye. “Who says I didn’t pressure you into getting married? Just because you’re the dude doesn’t mean I couldn’t have forced you into it while you were wasted.”

Point one to Lardo.

“Fuck, well I guess that’s true,” Shitty said, having to concede that point, “but you fucking hate the institution of marriage. There’s no way you’d even want to get married. It had to be me.”

“Oh yeah? And how would you know?” Lardo countered. She poked him in the chest hard, luckily the lacy bustier absorbed most of it. “You’re the light weight out of the two of us and it’s obvious you don’t remember a damn thing from last night otherwise you would know getting married was my fucking idea.”

Shitty could only blink in response. Of all the arguments he’d expected to hear from Lardo this morning, that one was definitely not on the fucking list.

“What the actual fuck?!?”

Lardo rolled her eyes and sighed. It was a well known look of annoyance that Shitty had seen over the years and it was strangely comforting. “You really don’t remember anything do you?” she said, her voice softening slightly as she smiled. “You’re getting soft, dude.”

“Can we not discuss my depressingly sad lower level of alcohol tolerance right now, Lards?” Shitty said, unable to keep the pathetic whine out his voice. Seriously, that bitter pill was hard enough to fucking swallow under normal circumstances (going to Harvard had been wicked hard on his drinking game but that was the price to be paid for being a lawyer he supposed) and so far he’d been having a rough goddamn morning.

“Fine, but you’re still weak,” Lardo chirped playfully and for a minute Shitty felt like everything was right in the damn universe before he remembered why he’d been feeling horrible in the first place. “Anyway, what I’ve been trying to tell you is, last night the guys bet that we’d never get married and well, we proved them wrong.”

“A bet? Seriously?” Shitty said, unable to believe his ears. “We got married, the one of the things you hate most in the whole damn world, just to win a bet?”

“Well, yeah,” Lardo responded, looking at him as if he were the dumbest shit to walk the earth, which Shitty sometime was but that was neither here nor there. She shrugged and waved a hand through the air vaguely. “It was easy goddamn money, Shits. How could I pass that up?”

Another point to Lardo.

Shitty, finally beginning to feel almost better, grinned and reached out to pull Lardo into a headlock. “You’re a fucking evil genius, Lards! I wish I could remember what the guys’ faces looked like when we actually went through with it. I bet it was fucking amazing.”

Lardo laughed and elbowed him in the side to get him to let go. “It was as glorious as you can imagine.”

“So, you’re still going to want me to get the annulment, right?” he asked, cautiously. He wished he didn’t have to ask the question but he couldn’t in good conscious not. Lardo may be willing to get married for the promise of winning a bet and making the guys’ eat their words but he doubted she wanted it to stick. 

Lardo froze and turned to look at him. Shitty was shocked to see she looked a bit bashful, an expression he hardly ever saw on her face. “Well, that’s what we agreed on last night but, well…” she said, pausing for a moment before continuing with a more determined air. “I decided why not keep things like this? Nothing really has to change for us. I can still use my own name and we can keep on keeping on like we have been, a piece of paper and some rings doesn’t have to mess with that. Hell, we wouldn’t even have to tell anyone besides Bitty, Jack, Ransom, and Holster since they already know.” Another pause to snort in laughter. “And maybe not even them, they seemed to be on your level last night. They might not even remember a thing.”

A feeling of cautious hope started to rise in Shitty but he beat that fucker into submission. He needed to be sure first and that meant getting serious for a second. Seriousness was something he normally tried to avoid at all costs but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Lards, you’re not just saying this to make me happy, right?” he asked softly, watching her face carefully. Reaching out, Shitty grabbed Lardo’s hand and ran a thumb softly over the band on her finger. “I know that I’ve let it slip a few times that I would love to marry you but I also know you never liked the idea. I just---I would hate to know that you’re only doing this for me if you didn’t want it.”

In typical Lardo fashion, she laughed and rolled her eyes. She reached a hand up to his face though instead of whacking him upside the head, she patted it. “Shitty, I wouldn’t have gone through with it if I hadn’t wanted it,” she said before giving him a quick kiss. “It just kinda hit me one day that we can still fight the system and be married at the same time. I was planning on letting you know at some point, last night was just a good opportunity to do it.” 

The level of joy Shitty felt a hearing this was so fucking great, he couldn’t contain himself anymore and he pulled a squawking Lardo into the biggest of bear hugs.

“Hot damn, you are literally the greatest motherfucker ever, you know that?” he said, grinning like a maniac. He stood up and swung them around in a circle until Lardo managed to jab him expertly in the stomach.

“You’re such a fucking sap. Put me down you big jackass,” she demanded, trying to sound angry but the smile on her face was making it hard.

And speaking of…

Shitty did indeed put her down, right on the bed, right before crawling after her. His fingers toyed with the tie around her neck and he gave her what he truly believed was the hottest pair of bedroom eyes on the fucking planet. Lardo seemed unimpressed so he added in a grin as he said, “you know, it’s an awful shame I don’t remember our wedding night. I’ve always dreamed of being deflowered…” 

Here Lardo scoffed at his implication, she of all people knew how innocent he was not, but Shitty would not be deterred. 

“Anyway,” he continued loudly. He gestured down at his bitchin’ ensemble and waggled his eyebrows at her. “I mean I am still wearing my wedding dress, or part of it at least, so how about we have a wedding night part two so I can actually remember?”

He leaned in to seal the deal with a kiss only to find himself with a face full of hand. Lardo laughed as she pushed him away.

“Maybe later,” she said as she rolled out of the bed. “As tempting and pretty as you are in that bustier, Shits, I’ll have to take a raincheck. I’m going to kill someone on if I don’t get something to eat soon. I’d hate for that someone to be you.”

Sighing dramatically, Shitty sprawled on the bed with his arms over his head. “Oh hell, Lardo. We’ve only been married for less then a day and already you’ve ceased to find me attractive. Is it because my boobs aren’t perky anymore?” he asked, as he attempted to make some cleavage. “I thought the corset might help.”

A balled up pair of pants hit him square in the face.

“Get some clothes on, dude,” Lardo said as she gathered her clothes and waltzed off towards the bathroom. “We’re going to find some bacon and the guys, maybe after that we can discuss your titties.” She disappeared into the bathroom only for her head to pop out a moment later. “Well, are you coming to shower or what?”

Not one to turn down a joint shower, Shitty laughed as he attempted to wriggle his way out of the corset. It actually wasn’t too uncomfortable and he decide to bring it with them. He laughed even harder as he walked to the bathroom as a thought popped into his head.

“Hey Lards, I’m pretty sure discussing my tits over breakfast is a fine-able offense, just so you know.”


	4. All Together Now

Down in the hotel cafe, Jack and Bitty sat at one of the larger tables, each nursing a cup of coffee. Jack was starting to feel better though his head still ached and was slowly working his way through a marginally healthy breakfast he’d managed to cobble together at the buffet. So far they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of their fellow teammates but they weren’t too worried since that mean putting off the inevitable as long as possible. 

“God, this is going to be torture, isn’t it?” Bitty said, staring morosely at the breakfast he had yet to really touch. Jack had had to force him to get something to eat, something healthy and substantial, but they compromised on some pastries. Bitty took a half hearted nibble of his croissant. “I wonder what they’ll notice first, the hickies and bites or the rings?”

Chewing thoughtfully on some egg, Jack swallowed. “Hopefully if we act normal, maybe they won’t notice.”

Bitty merely shook his head and tsked at him before going back to his plate. They ate (more like Jack ate and Bitty grazed) for a while longer. The semi-quiet of the cafe was nice and it helped that the lighting wasn’t too dark or too bright. Jack figured at this pace they might both be nearly functional by the time the others showed up but of course, the universe had to prove him wrong.

“Bitty-bits! Jack-a-belle! We finally found you!”

Jack grunted and was grateful nausea hadn’t been one of his hangover symptoms as a pair of strong arms wrapped around him and squeezed. Shitty kissed him loudly on the cheek before releasing him and darting over to a terrified looking Bitty.

“Shitty, I don’t mean to be crude but I swear if you squeeze me, you’re going to be wearing pumpkin spice latte and croissant,” Bitty warned, holding up a hand to thwart Shitty’s attempt at a hug. There was a huff of laughter behind him and Jacked turned to see Lardo walking up to the table with a plate loaded high with pancakes, eggs, and an alarming amount of bacon.

Lardo sat down at the table and shook her head. “You boys look a little worse for wear,” she said in a deceptively conversational tone as she picked up a slice of bacon. Lardo fixed them with a knowing look. “Have a fun night?”

“Couldn’t tell you,” Bitty admitted crossly, his mouth poised in front of his mug. “We don’t remember a damn thing.”

Since it seemed that Bitty still needed some recovery time, Jack took it upon himself to do some fishing. “Yeah, we were wondering if you two could fill in some of the blanks,” he said. Jack tried to act as casual as he could by decidedly not looking too interested in the answer even though he was itching to hear everything.

The evil smirk on Lardo’s face told Jack that he wasn’t as successful as he’d thought he’d been.

“Oh, I’ll fill in the blanks,” Lardo replied through a mouthful of bacon before swallowing. Her eyes flitted back and forth between him and Bitty and Jack suddenly felt as if he were completely naked; Lardo’s eerie ESP seemed to hone in on all of their secrets so he shouldn’t have been surprised really. “But you two will need to cough up some deets and I mean big time.”

“Actually, I’m way more interested in those deets over there.”

Jack looked away from his staring match with Lardo to see Shitty standing at the table, clutching two plates piled high with food but he wasn’t looking at the three of them at the table. He was staring off into the distance towards the buffet. What intrigued Jack the most was the way Lardo’s mouth dropped open in surprise as she too looked at whatever was going on behind Bitty and Jack. Intrigued as to what could have possibly caused Lardo of all people to be shocked, Jack and Bitty whirled around in their seats.

“Well, would you just look at that,” Bitty said in awe. Jack didn’t say anything, he too was amazed at what he saw.

The sight of Ransom and Holster making their way through a buffet table, stacking their multiple plates high with food wasn’t new; they had all witnessed their d-men’s ability to demolish a mountain of food in one sitting.

What was causing all their mouths to drop was how, every few feet or so, Ransom and Holster would stand close together only for one of them to whisper in the other’s ear and kiss them.

Ransom and Holster’s odd dynamic was a well known and pointedly not talked about aspect of the Samwell hockey team. Everyone knew that there were more than strictly= bro-like things occurring in the attic (and sometimes in hotel rooms on roadies) but, if Ransom and Holster didn’t want to talk about it, it wasn’t the rest of the team’s business. Jack and Shitty had needed to put one or two frogs straight about this unspoken rule over the years but all in all, everyone let Ransom and Holster do their thing as they saw fit. 

None of them had ever thought for a minute that they would actually go public.

They must have made quite a sight that morning, Jack would muse later. Staring openingly, slack jawed, at their two teammates as they made their way through the buffet. The other cafe patrons must have thought they were lunatics but they just could not bring themselves to look away.

“Oh my,” Bitty squeaked when at the end of the buffet, Holster began to walk toward the tables, only for Ransom to _smack his ass_ on the way by him. “Quick y’all, look natural.”

Of course, the hardest thing to do when some tells you to look natural is...to look natural, so it was no surprise when Ransom arched a brow at them as he and Holster made their way to the table. 

“So uh, why do you guys look like you’ve seen a ghost or some shit,” he asked, placing his plate down and taking a seat so he could dig into his food. 

Holster did the same and took a huge bit of waffle. “Ya’ wha’ is ‘wong wit you,” he said thickly through his food. 

Jack, Bitty, and Shitty just looked at each other, unsure what the hell they were supposed to say. Did they act like they hadn’t seen the two of them getting handsy in the buffet line? Did they just come out and say ‘what the hell was that’? Did they change the subject? How were they supposed to handle this?

“Dude, might have something to do with the massive fucking hickey on Holster’s neck paired with that embarrassingly couple-y display in the buffet line,” Lardo said, not bothering to tiptoe on eggshells, as was her way. Ransom and Holster merely blushed and attempted to scowl but the smiles on their faces won out in the end. “Or,” Lardo continued with the air of someone with all the cards, “it could be because of those wedding rings a couple someones are sporting.”

Thinking that she was talking about him and Bitty, Jack immediately turned to look at his boyfriend (husband now he supposed). They had agreed to try and keep their hands hidden until they could come up with a way to bring up the subject; his own was currently resting on his thigh, but when he looked over, Bitty’s ring bedecked hand was nowhere to be seen. He was just about to ask Lardo how she knew, and if she could provide the details so he and Bitty knew what the hell they’d done, when Holster gasped.

“You know about that?!?”

Bitty’s eyes shot open in shock and Jack’s head whirled around to see that, yes, Ransom and Holster were indeed sporting gold bands too.

 _What in the fuck is going on?_ Jack thought. _Holster and Ransom got married too?!?_

Then, as if this wasn’t a confusing and shocking enough situation, suddenly Ransom blurted, “Oh yeah, well what about your new jewelry, Lards? I bet Shitty has a matching one too.”

Jack was almost certain he was going to have signs of whiplash before this day was done considering how many times he’d had to jerk his head to look a different person so far this morning. Sure enough, when he looked at Lardo’s hands, there was a shiny new gold band on the hand holding her toast. How he had missed that Jack wasn’t sure but a quick look at Shitty confirmed that yes, his best friend was also sporting a wedding band.

Okay this was, officially, the weirdest post drinking morning he’d ever had. Which was saying something considering he had been to more than one kegster over the years.

While Jack had been lost in his thoughts, the table had descended into anarchy. Bitty, Ransom, Holster, Shitty, and Lardo were all talking over one another, each one trying to interrogate the other couple. The noise built and built until Jack, never one for these types of situations, slammed a hand down on the table after deciding enough was enough.

“Hey! Everybody shut up!” 

Everyone at the table, and more than a few of the surrounding tables as well, fell silent and stared. One older man at the table adjacent to theirs mutter indignantly about “college hooligans” and Jack glared at him until he picked up his mostly empty plate and scampered off. Jack was not in the mood for that today.

“Alright,” he said, in a calmer voice, fixing each of the table’s occupants with a stern look. “Obviously we all have some questions about last night. I know for one, that Bitty and I know nothing.”

“Neither do we,” Holster piped up briefly. Ransom nodded bobble-head like to confirm this.

Shitty spoke up next. “I don’t remember shit but I’m pretty sure there’s one person here who does,” he said, nodding his head at Lardo who smirked.

“You boys never could handle your liquor,” she said smugly before sipping her coffee.

Jack rolled his eyes but internally rejoiced at having a source of reliable information. “Okay then, how about you fill in the details for us, eh?”

For a brief moment, Jack feared that Lardo was going to withhold the information just to fuck with them but, from the look on her face, it seemed whatever she was about tell them was too juicy to keep to herself. She finished her coffee and leaned back in her chair, stretching her arms behind her.

“If you insist,” she said with a smile. “It went a little something like this…”

 

“So you’re tell me, we all ended up hitched because of Shitty’s stupid betting game,” Bitty said in disbelief.

It had taken about an hour for Lardo’s tale to unfold and they were now laying by the hotel pool. Under the umbrellas of course with shades on, everyone’s heads were still just a bit delicate from the night before.

Apparently what had happened was, during the course of Shitty’s new game where they each bet each other something that they would never do that they either had to do or take a shot, an extremely inebriated Holster (“I can’t believe _I_ was the cause!” “It’s okay, babe. I still love you.”) had bet Lardo that she would never marry anybody. In bid to prove them all wrong, Lardo had indeed taken that bet while issuing her own challenge which Bitty and Jack as well as Ransom and Holster had taken. 

They’d all gone back to their joint room to celebrate. This was when the “Vacay Sin Bin” had been born though it had been quickly abandoned as everyone realized they were all going to lose their asses as the fine list got longer and longer. It was then that Jack, wanting to have the room for Bitty and himself for obvious reasons, had gone to the front desk and booked a room for Ransom and Holster and (as a joke) the honeymoon suite for Shitty and Lardo. Jack had sighed as he realized how much this weekend was going to cost him but, the sight of gold flashing on Bitty’s hand made it worthwhile.

Besides, it’s not like he was exactly hurting for money anyways. 

“Yup,” Lardo replied from her lounge chair as Shitty applied lotion to her legs. “That’s about the sum of it, Bits.”

Bitty sat back onto his chair with a huff and crossed his arms. “Well that’s the least romantic way to get married that I’ve ever heard,” he grumbled before smacking Jack lightly on the arm to get his attention. “We can never tell our parents that’s how it happened, Jack.”

Jack nodded, imagining just how his parents would react to his getting married while drunk, on a bet no less. Granted they wouldn’t be upset about him marrying Bitty, more like they would be scandalized that he hadn’t wooed Bitty properly first. To be honest, Jack was a bit disappointed himself that this was how it played out. 

“I agree,” he said, patting Bitty’s thigh. “We’ll need to come up with something, either that or keep it a secret and just go through the whole thing later.”

Ransom picked his head up from where he was laying belly down on his lounger. “That’s what me and Holtzy are doing.”

“Yeah, kinda hard to go from ‘we’re just best bros’ to ‘oh by the way, we’re married’ in one visit,” Holster added as he slathered on sunscreen. “Besides, our parents would flip out too.”

Shitty and Lardo had already said that nothing was going to change for them, they just had the rings and the paperwork and had not plans for an actual wedding which didn’t surprise Jack. That was just how they were. The only change he could see is that they were ever so slightly more couple-y now but then they were all guilty of that crime at the moment.

Jack reached out and laced his fingers through Bitty’s, earning a beaming smile. He intended to be as free with his displays of affection as possible thanks to the official “Vacay Sin Ban” Holster and Ransom had decreed after they’d been caught canoodling in the pool by Shitty. There had even been talks of a special marriage loophole for when they got back to Samwell but Lardo had pointed out the rest of the team wasn’t likely to let such easy pickings go without fight.

_“We are totally going to be up to our asses in fines,” Holster had whined as Ransom had patted his back soothingly after Lardo’s on point observation. “We’ll need to start saving now.”_

Either way, Jack didn’t care and he had a feeling the others really didn’t care either, getting to do couple type things with his husband was well worth all fines he’d pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, my first Check Please fic. I'm thinking I might write more someday because I had a good time writing this (especially Shitty, that was freaking fun) and I hope you enjoyed it. :)


End file.
